Pageant Question 20: What is one thing you wish you had learned in high school?

How to Recognize a Sociopath

My name is Sara, and though I am not a psychologist, I am qualified to tell you the secret to identifying the sociopath in your life.  I consider myself fully qualified because I dated a sociopath in the prime of my socially formative years: from tenth grade through the start of college. Hopefully, you don't have a sociopath in your life, much less as your boyfriend or girlfriend, but if you do, the tell-tale signs will be there.  For ease of readability and because of my personal experience, I have used male pronouns, but the same signs apply to female sociopaths.

1) First glance: he is super-charming.  He is "the life of the party".  He is hilarious.  Others pay attention when he speaks because he's interesting and confident.  Being super-charming does not automatically qualify someone as a sociopath, but it is best if you are aware that these people do not appear as monsters.  This quality will allow you to be drawn in, but here's the important part: do not be blinded!  First impressions stick, but make sure you stay aware when the other signs start to appear.

2) He is self-absorbed.  You can see if he basks in the attention his charm brings him.  Does he allow others to be charming around him?  Does he listen to others' stories and laugh with them?  Does he constantly clamor for attention when it wanes?  These are closer observations you can make during the super-charming faze.  The self-absorption will be revealed in more dramatic ways if you allow yourself to be sucked in, so don't.  Further self-absorption includes: ignoring you, believing others are against him, laughing at other people, making others feel bad for what he does, forcing others to always do what he wants...or else.  The "or else" is frightening, but it is often very subtle at first and, therefore, often dismissed.  It is a true sign of a sociopath, and it is...

3) He has anger management problems.  He lashes out.  He yells.  He pouts.  He is passively aggressive.  He blames others for his problems and will tell them so.  He may throw things, punch walls, and destroy property.  He gets into fights.  The clearest sign is that he hits you, but many sociopaths are smarter than that and the hurts aren't as clear as you might think.  He is emotionally manipulative and he uses guilt to make you do what he wants.  He experiences "road rage", and doesn't even have to be the one driving to have it.  BEWARE: he will apologize.  He will explain it away as his cultural heritage's temperament or his family's temperament.  He will exude his charm like you haven't seen it since you first met, and you will want to fall for it.  This is also insidious because he may seem extremely caring and thoughtful, but if he experiences these uncontrollable outbursts of anger, no matter how justified they seem, you are with a sociopath.

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Empathy is the best part of humanity.  It prevents people from hurting each other physically, verbally, emotionally, sexually, or in any way.  If someone is hurt, empathy will soothe the pain.  Empathetic people will jump in and help wherever there is need.

Lack of empathy is the reason there is racism, homophobia, class warfare, man-hating and woman-bashing.  A person without empathy cannot think in terms of "other", so that person is afraid of the "other".  Lack of empathy is a selfish state and one without any imagination.

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Georgina missed the part of her life where she had been good-looking.  Granted, it hadn't been for long, but she didn't realize it until a decade past; that was the way it went with her.  Realizations came suddenly and far too late.  At least, she thought at her reflection, they came eventually.  She patted her graying hair, which was also thinning and thickening at the same time, before another realization: it didn't matter.  Georgina felt that realization release a weight which dropped to the floor with a clunk.  It didn't matter.  She was light-headed with relief.  A narrow tunnel she had been traveling down that ended in darkness now opened up into a rotunda with exits on all sides pointing to sunlight.  It didn't matter.  Hair, face, skin, shape, color, clothes, breakfast, likes, dislikes, opinions: none of it mattered.  Better late than never, she thought, leaving her house and pointedly not taking her phone or brushing her hair.