257

10 Steps to Faking a Clean(-ish) House

Recently, probably from Yahoo (king of the useless story), there was an online article that gave 10 ways to get your house presentable "without having to clean".  Every step was included...cleaning!  This article, the one you're reading right now, will give you the real "10 Steps".  These are the steps I take whenever I know someone will definitely be showing up and I need the place to appear as if I was a decent housekeeper all along.  (Warning: a few actual "cleaning" tips included, but those may be skipped with impunity.)

1) Guess where the visitors will be most likely to gather.  If it's the front room, focus on that.  If it's the kitchen, focus there.  If there's a path to a home theater, focus on the path and the theater room.  Consider which bathroom is most likely to be used, too (more on that later.)

2) Clear any clutter.  This step is so awesome that if you can manage it well, you might not have to go any further.  The depth of clutter-clearing is up to you, but try to get everything off the floor and try to make surfaces visible (e.g. the kitchen table or counter tops.)  At least stack boxes, books and papers neatly.

3) Clothes and dishes--put them all away to help with both clutter and smell.  If there are dishes in your sink, yeah, wash them.  If you're lucky enough to have a dishwasher, hide them in it.  Dirty clothes into a hamper and into the laundry room.  No need to do anything to the laundry room because visitors don't go there and, if they do, they deserve what they see and smell.

4) Make the bed (again, only if necessary), straighten wonky curtains, throw-blankets and pillows around the house.

5) Floors.  If you have crumbs on the floor, scatter them a bit.  Maybe wipe edges of hard floors where junk gathers, if you must (like in the kitchen and bathroom) with a damp paper towel.  You can wipe food spots, if you wish, but no need for crazy.

6) Bathroom: hide any clutter (can toss into drawers or into the tub!), squirt cleaning goo into the toilet (for scent and color/telltale bubbles), pull out the shower curtain (if the bottom isn't gross) to hide more around the tub, change the towels.  It's important to change those towels!  Make sure you have at least one clean, folded hand towel--a dirty towel (or a bath towel) will only cause your guests to be grossed out.  If there's one place you might want to actually clean, it's the bathroom, so if you do, this is a good step: wipe down the sink, the soap container/dish, swirl the toilet brush, wipe the seat with a paper towel (and under, for dudes!), and wash the mirror.  Actually, if you wash nothing but the mirror it will totally help--spots on the mirror make the room look doubly dirty because of the reflection.

7) Check around for anything embarrassing and put it away.  Sensitive papers, weird statuary, lube, sex dolls, etc.

8) Scent the house.  Change the garbage, if it smells.  Squirt cleaning spray into the empty can, then replace the bag.  Quick bake something!  Cookies, bread, cinnamon rolls--whatever you like that smells delish.  Don't scent your house too much, like by squirting air freshener all over or lighting a bunch of candles.  It's a dead giveaway that you're hiding something.  Instead, put a few shots of kitchen cleaner into the sink and some dusting spray over carpet--it will smell like you cleaned!

9) If this matters to you, check the outside of your house.  Again, clear the clutter.  Straighten chairs and wonky decorations.

10) Relax.  You want it to look like your house is like this all the time!  Don't blow your cover with panting and sweating when the company arrives.  Remember that everyone's house is a royal stink-hole when nobody else is there.  It's an illusion; one that you now have perfected, too.