Tiling is Easy!

We need to tile a 3' by 5' exterior landing and a 7' by 9' interior mudroom.

"Tiling is easy," they said.  "Even beginners can do it."

Uh huh.  Just grab some grout and slap those tiles in?  No.  Let me tell what you really need to do:

Secure your sub-floor.  This means knowing where your joists are and nailing the 3/4" plywood down with decking nails (galvanized because they're exterior) every four to eight inches.  We chose six.  Hit each nail ten times because they're looong.  Hit them carefully because they are "twisty" nails and you don't want to bend them because they were expensive.  Strain your arm putting in seventy-plus nails.

Now what about the end of the plywood that has been out in the rain and looks bent and that isn't long enough?  Take it out, replace it, then realize the masonry at the end causes to it stick up and be angled the wrong way (bad in the rain!)  Realize now that nailing into masonry isn't possible with a regular hammer and nail.  Now that it's half nailed in, you don't want to take it out and ruin it.  Figure out how to chip away masonry.  Figure out how to level masonry.  Be sure the sides of your exterior entry have their gaps closed, so nail in boards from underneath and try your hand at filling with thinset cement.

Figure out how to nail through 3/4" plywood and into masonry.  You can use a nail gun that uses blank .22 bullets.  Yeah, you'll have that on-hand, won't you?  Good luck trying to find a place to rent you this weapon.  Try not to shoot a nail through your foot.

Congratulations, you are nowhere near to tiling yet.  You still have to put on the other layers: unmodified thinset, cement board using special screws that also use a special bit, tape, thinset for the tape and screws, liquid waterproofing membrane (priming layer), waterproofing tape on the sides (fiberglass fabric of which there are many, many varieties), more waterproofing membrane (thicker, but not too thick).  One more waterproofing layer.  Let dry thoroughly in between.  One more thing: be sure you didn't screw down that cement board into any joists because you're just asking for your tiles to crack.

STILL not ready!  Install the exterior door.  How?  Youtube.  Dunno.  Probably shims and screws.

Now you're ready, but not for grout.  You're ready for modified thinset.  Unlike the unmodified, this stuff has latex additive and is more flexible.  Yeah, you need the parts under the tile to be able to shift in weather.  Do you need expansion gaps?  What does that even mean?  It means you'll need exterior-rated silicone caulk that matches the color of your grout.  Leave expansion gaps around the perimeter.  Don't worry, it's not really clear how you're supposed to do that.  If your tiling area is very large (over 12'), make an expansion gap or two...somewhere.  I stopped paying attention since our area wasn't that large.

Are we ready yet?  Well, set those tiles using the modified thinset!  Make sure you don't have weird cuts to do leaving weirdly cut tiles in places where you can see them and be irritated forever.  Be sure you install the tiles in straight lines or else be irritated forever.  Did you already consider what orientation you'll be setting your tile?  Straight, diamond, off-centered?  Yeah, you should have tested that long before this point.  You should also have made double sure you have enough tiles by laying them out on the plywood before you did any of this.  Too late now.

Speaking of tiles, I hope they're not ceramic if you're using them outside.  You're just asking for your tiles to fail.  Do you have the kind of tiles that need to be sealed first?  Dunno.  Too much to think about.  Gotta tile this floor before it rains.

Be sure you know how to put that modified thinset on in a way that doesn't leave gaps.  Use the notched trowel that you have chosen with the correct size notches.  What size is that?  1/4" is the most mentioned.  Trowel on the cement board and smear it around, but be sure you use the notches in the trowel to give a final swipe in one direction.  Do not swirl!  Why?  Because you don't want to leave gaps, do you?  "Butter" the back of your tile, too.  It's what the pros do.  Set in your tile.  Wiggle it.  Not too much!  Be sure you've gotten 90% coverage on the back.  How?  Uh... I dunno.  Cross your eyes and make a wish.

Can we grout yet?  Well, did you get the right kind of grout?  You can have premixed, cement, or epoxy.  Premixed is fantastic...unless you look at the reviews of the many people who vehemently hate it.  It doesn't need to be sealed, but you have three seconds to wipe it off the face of the tile before it sets forever.  Cement is the most used, but you need to seal it (and reseal it periodically) with yet another product and you can't touch the product to the tile or you will discolor it forever.  Cement is also water-permeable.  Epoxy is waterproof and it doesn't need to be sealed ever.  It is also fast-setting, you have to mix it in exact proportions, and it discolors when exposed to sunlight.  Oh yeah, you must also choose the color of your grout in the poor light of your local hardware airplane hanger.  What are the chances we can use the same grout for the tiles outside (green) and the tiles inside (creamish)?  Slim to none.

Did I also mention you need a "float" (there will be at least five choices.  Take the cheapest), a chamois (recommended over a sponge), a giant mixing tool that goes on your drill, buckets, spacers (you must know how wide you want your grout), and a rubber mallet?  Oh, yeah, you need all those, too.

Hold on...did you think about what you do at the end, just above the exterior steps?  Drip edge and a bullnose?  Or did you need "stairnose"?  Nobody's heard of stairnose at the local hardware stores.  Order it and get it in a week or three.  How else will you keep the end from crumbling off?  

Yes, you can grout now.  As long as you followed all the directions on everything and waited the correct length of time for whatever and whatever to set for however.  Grout your heart out.  But read the directions!  It's good to have a partner to help you wipe or else you'll be very, very sad.  Make small grout batches.  Work in small sections.  Get the grout in good.  Get it in evenly.  If you needed to mix the grout, did you mix it the same every time?  If not, your grout color will come out patchy and weird.  Did I mention you want a grout rated for "no efflorescence" if tiling outside?  I didn't?  What does it mean?  Who knows.  Make another wish.

Congratulations: you have tiled.  Wasn't that easy?

House Hunting Discoveries

When you look at houses for sale in our price range, which is low, you can see how people live in poverty.  Most of the houses are rental properties being sold by the landlords.  The descriptions include phrases like, "Investor's Dream!" and "Money Maker!"  Often they tout how much the tenants are paying, how much they would love to stay, and how much more you could charge them for the privilege.  My "low price range", by the way is less than $50,000, and usually much less.  If it goes under $20,000, however, tenants are usually no longer in the pictures, and you rather get description phrases like, "Ideal Fixer-Upper!" and "Choose Your Own Walls!" and still, "Investor's Dream!"

Looking at the pictures of these houses, aside from the trickery and outright lies realtors and homeowners are trying to push, you see the lives of the poor who are living in a house that may soon be yanked out from under them.  You see chairs surrounded a space heater whose vent has blackened the wall.  You see kitchens and bathrooms crammed under the eaves of the attic because there's another apartment crammed into a space that should have been for storage.  You see stoves in front of doors and windows.  You see futons or just plain mattresses for beds.  You see cheap metal and plastic clothing racks tilting with hangers.  You see fourteen toothbrushes in mugs in the bathroom.  You see four loaves of bread, ten boxes of cereal, and six bags of various cookies on the refrigerator, the microwave, and the counter.  You see cheap, hollow-metal tube furniture.  You see a 50" television covering the front window, and the TVs are always on Maury.  You see painted paneling.  You see grey indoor/outdoor carpeting in every room.  You see sloppily painted tan walls with grease marks at head and hand level.  You see gap-riddled, cheap, plastic flooring made to look like wood.  You nearly always see words on the walls: "Family", "Love", "Dream".  The toilets are open.  There are tubes and jars and jugs of personal products on the dressers.  There is laundry in every room.  Plates with food in the kitchen, on the coffee table, and in the bedrooms.  A slightly surprised child staring into the camera, wondering what it means that this person has been photographing their home.

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What is holding you back from the lifestyle you desire?  Money?  Health?  Job?  Family?  No matter your current situation, you CAN achieve your dreams, in less time than you think!  By making small, easily sustainable changes in your life, you will smoothly transition into the person you always knew you could be, with the money, health, job and family of which you've always dreamed.

How?

Your first step is VISUALIZATION.  You need to picture yourself where you've always wanted to be.  Make a list of your desires, and even add pictures.  Post it where you will see it every morning when you awake, and look at it before you leave your bed.  Visualize your ideal life for five minutes every morning.  Now you're well on your way!

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10 Steps to Faking a Clean(-ish) House

Recently, probably from Yahoo (king of the useless story), there was an online article that gave 10 ways to get your house presentable "without having to clean".  Every step was included...cleaning!  This article, the one you're reading right now, will give you the real "10 Steps".  These are the steps I take whenever I know someone will definitely be showing up and I need the place to appear as if I was a decent housekeeper all along.  (Warning: a few actual "cleaning" tips included, but those may be skipped with impunity.)

1) Guess where the visitors will be most likely to gather.  If it's the front room, focus on that.  If it's the kitchen, focus there.  If there's a path to a home theater, focus on the path and the theater room.  Consider which bathroom is most likely to be used, too (more on that later.)

2) Clear any clutter.  This step is so awesome that if you can manage it well, you might not have to go any further.  The depth of clutter-clearing is up to you, but try to get everything off the floor and try to make surfaces visible (e.g. the kitchen table or counter tops.)  At least stack boxes, books and papers neatly.

3) Clothes and dishes--put them all away to help with both clutter and smell.  If there are dishes in your sink, yeah, wash them.  If you're lucky enough to have a dishwasher, hide them in it.  Dirty clothes into a hamper and into the laundry room.  No need to do anything to the laundry room because visitors don't go there and, if they do, they deserve what they see and smell.

4) Make the bed (again, only if necessary), straighten wonky curtains, throw-blankets and pillows around the house.

5) Floors.  If you have crumbs on the floor, scatter them a bit.  Maybe wipe edges of hard floors where junk gathers, if you must (like in the kitchen and bathroom) with a damp paper towel.  You can wipe food spots, if you wish, but no need for crazy.

6) Bathroom: hide any clutter (can toss into drawers or into the tub!), squirt cleaning goo into the toilet (for scent and color/telltale bubbles), pull out the shower curtain (if the bottom isn't gross) to hide more around the tub, change the towels.  It's important to change those towels!  Make sure you have at least one clean, folded hand towel--a dirty towel (or a bath towel) will only cause your guests to be grossed out.  If there's one place you might want to actually clean, it's the bathroom, so if you do, this is a good step: wipe down the sink, the soap container/dish, swirl the toilet brush, wipe the seat with a paper towel (and under, for dudes!), and wash the mirror.  Actually, if you wash nothing but the mirror it will totally help--spots on the mirror make the room look doubly dirty because of the reflection.

7) Check around for anything embarrassing and put it away.  Sensitive papers, weird statuary, lube, sex dolls, etc.

8) Scent the house.  Change the garbage, if it smells.  Squirt cleaning spray into the empty can, then replace the bag.  Quick bake something!  Cookies, bread, cinnamon rolls--whatever you like that smells delish.  Don't scent your house too much, like by squirting air freshener all over or lighting a bunch of candles.  It's a dead giveaway that you're hiding something.  Instead, put a few shots of kitchen cleaner into the sink and some dusting spray over carpet--it will smell like you cleaned!

9) If this matters to you, check the outside of your house.  Again, clear the clutter.  Straighten chairs and wonky decorations.

10) Relax.  You want it to look like your house is like this all the time!  Don't blow your cover with panting and sweating when the company arrives.  Remember that everyone's house is a royal stink-hole when nobody else is there.  It's an illusion; one that you now have perfected, too.

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You are allowed to be happy ALL the time.

Many of you who read the opening sentence scoffed, most consciously and many more unconsciously.  You may have thought, "Yes, but..."  But, what?  But, you're not always happy?  True, but you are allowed to be happy all the time.  You can be.  You may be.  It is a possibility, and it comes without any caveats.  "Yes, but..."  But, what this time?  But if you're happy now, there's bound to be unhappiness later?

Why?

Remind yourself, "I am allowed to be happy ALL the time."  There is infinite happiness allowed to you.  It doesn't need to be balanced by unhappiness.  A happy time is not waiting for an unhappy time.  A happy time doesn't mean you'll need to "pay" for it later.  You can just be happy.

If you're finding this idea difficult, not to worry--I found it difficult, too.  I sometimes still find it difficult, but I keep reminding myself that I may freely and truly be happy and not worry that it will come to an end.  Repeat it to yourself, and soon you will believe, and you will be freer than you have felt in a long time, or maybe ever!  Be happy.  No one is unhappy because you are happy.  As a matter of fact, your happiness will make even more people happy.

This book will take you through exercises to find your happiness, keep your happiness and spread happiness.  This book will also remind you over and over:

Yes.  You are allowed to be happy.  All.  The.  Time.

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Life is repetition.  Breathing.  Eating.  Sleeping.  Wake, eat, work, eat, work, eat, sleep.  Again!  The scenery is the same.  The view from your face is the same.  Life feels the same under your fingertips.  Under your feet.  In your bones.  The sun comes up, clouds, moon, dark, stars.  All are variations of the same.  Same.  Same.  Soon you can hear the ticking of time, repeating each second, marking the forward progression.  Next.  Next.  Next.  Same.  Same.  Same.

Many people believe that wisdom is knowing how others will react, but it is, rather, recognizing the sameness in yourself.  I will say this in this situation.  I will feel this when I do that.  I can predict how my body and brain will respond.

There is another level of this wisdom that hardly anyone can achieve, and that is being able to change the sameness.

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"It takes money to make money," and ain't that the truth?  To save, buy in bulk.  (Unless you can't afford the big pack.)  Eliminate service fees by paying in full.  (Unless you can only afford the minimum installment.)  Get regular car maintenance, regular doctor and dentist check-ups, and buy organic.  (Umm... nope.)  Invest!  ($1,000 in a CD for one year will yield you $5, and too bad if you need your original thousand for an emergency.)  Mortgage is cheaper than rent.  (Unless you can't get a loan, and you don't even make enough to qualify for Habitat for Humanity and decent houses at the city tax auction are snatched up by flippers and landlords.)

What can you do to make money without money?

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You have taken the first step.  By reading this book, you have acknowledged that not only are you poor, but that you no longer wish to remain poor.  Let this book be your inspiration, your first step up and out of poverty.  Hopefully, you didn't pay too much for it.

In this book you will find:

• Inspirational stories from regular people who prove that you can get out of poverty.
• Thrifty tips and tricks to help you gather wealth.
• Tips and tricks to make you appear (and feel!) richer than you currently are.
• Motivational quotes and facts.
• NEW!  Special added chapter for those who have never been poor, designed to help them realize that being poor is not a character defect.

Your journey from poverty begins now.  Good luck!

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The trick to remaining active is to be active.

The trick to eating right is to eat right.

The trick to feeling well is to do the activities and consume the consumables that will make you feel well.

The trick is that there is no trick.

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Your house is a mess, and it depresses you. What are you doing about it? Maybe you want to move, and think that will solve your problems. WRONG! You will simply bring with you your #1 problem: YOU.

Real Living Secret: it doesn't matter where you live. You could be in a cream suburban dream, a hipster's flat, a gleaming mansion or a cardboard box--your life will be exactly the same unless you get to the source of your problem.

There are thousands of books on cleaning up clutter, energizing your house, feng shui-ing the heck out of the cardinal points, detoxification, taming paper tigers, but those are temporary solutions. If you want permanent change, change yourself.

Good News: reading this book is your first step!

Bad News: reading this book won't mean diddly if you don't absorb the information. Stop reading now, and simply reflect on your situation for a day. Reflect on the knowledge that it doesn't matter where you live--YOU will always be there.