Great.

When is it too late to still be great?  Child genius means younger than twelve, thirteen at the most.  Music stars shine in their teens.  Olympic athletes peak in their twenties.  Models are done by thirty.  "40 Under 40" lists are self-explanatory.  Stories about people getting rich and retiring young are featuring younger and younger retirees.  Eventually you can become great again, but you have to be pretty old.  The eighty-something who finally got their college degree.  The ninety-year-old who kicks butt as an online gamer.  The 104-year-old power lifter.  What about 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s?  Can I still be great?  Do I still have time?

336

What is holding you back from the lifestyle you desire?  Money?  Health?  Job?  Family?  No matter your current situation, you CAN achieve your dreams, in less time than you think!  By making small, easily sustainable changes in your life, you will smoothly transition into the person you always knew you could be, with the money, health, job and family of which you've always dreamed.

How?

Your first step is VISUALIZATION.  You need to picture yourself where you've always wanted to be.  Make a list of your desires, and even add pictures.  Post it where you will see it every morning when you awake, and look at it before you leave your bed.  Visualize your ideal life for five minutes every morning.  Now you're well on your way!

310

I dream of disaster.

Every night I have dreamed of disaster, global, catastrophic, unavoidable.  Invariably, the military is deployed, but even from my puny vantage point on the ground, I can see that it will be futile.  The people escaping with belongings stuffed into cars is also futile.  Destruction will be complete.

I wake to my alarm's soft chimes, increasing in volume if I ignore the call to the waking world.  It is hard to wake, and I struggle to the surface, still tired.

296

Of all the lies movies have taught me over the years, I think the worst is that I believed that I could do anything in a reasonable amount of time.  I didn't think that I could do it within the space of a movie--that's ridiculous--but I did believe the movie time suggestion that within my lifetime I could accomplish goals.  Lies.  Dirty, rotten lies.

My days are spent on a treadmill.  My brain, on the shortest treadmill of them all.  Repetition, repetition, repetition.  Nothing accomplished.  Dishes pile up again and again.  Laundry.  Mail.  Shower.  Eat.  Sleep.  Dentist and doctor and optometrist appointments.  Repeat.  Holidays.  Repeat.  The things I dreamed of doing remained out of my grasp for the daily repetition.  My brain rehashed what it wanted and wondered why the hell wasn't I making progress?  I should have accomplished by now!  Where had the time gone?  Why couldn't I get motivated?  Why couldn't I get out of welding to accomplish my dream of being a professional dancer?  What happened to making the band and winning the hearts of millions?  Shouldn't I be able to save Christmas, or teach the town to dance or preserve the human race?  Goddamn movies.  Lies.

59

The following is a partial transcript of an audio tape found in a wooden box salvaged from the old State Psychiatry Hospital. Names and identifying remarks have been edited to protect confidentiality.

The beginning of the tape, Dr. M's description of G, was recorded before the patient was in the room.

Dr. M: Notes for patient G ---, Monday, May 3rd XXXX. Patient was admitted more than a week ago and has finally been cleared for sessions starting today.

My first impression of G. was that he was in his 50s, though we share the same birth year. His clothes are ill-fitting; obviously from a thrift store and not well-chosen. They may have been given to him by a shelter. His shoes are far too big. G. arrived without having had a shower in many days, and the nurses finally had to force him to clean up a few days ago, once he was back on his feet.

My initial feelings are that G. must have a history of untreated depression and perhaps a mild psychosis that is increasing in severity and preventing him from having a more meaningful life. I imagine he will be prescribed anti-depressants and sent back to whatever shelter he's using.

Dr. M sighs and his desk chair creaks as he leans back.

Perhaps services can find G. a nice factory job. He may even be able to have an apartment on his own someday.

Dr. M: The date of this session is Monday, May 3rd XXXX with new patient G ---. G, you understand this session is being recorded, as will all our sessions?

G: ---

Dr. M: For the recording, G. has nodded. G., if you would make all your answers verbal, it would help with our recording. Do you understand?

G: Yes.

Dr. M: G is a 35 year old unmarried white male who was admitted to the State Hospital on Friday, April 23rd, XXXX. This is our first session. The patient's chief complaint is that he feels depressed and separated from society. Is this still accurate G.?

G: Yes.

Dr. M: According to my records, you have never been admitted to the hospital before. Is that accurate?

G: Yes.

Dr. M: You also state that you have never been on psychiatric medicine, and, as far as you know, there is no history of mental illness in your family. Is this accurate, G.?

G: Yes.

There is a pause as Dr. M writes some notes.

Dr. M: Tell me, G., why do you believe you are depressed?

G: (long pause, a sigh, another pause) My dreams... they've gone.

46

Moscow talked in his sleep. He didn't know he did because it was a new phenomenon. He had never talked in his sleep when he was still living at home, but now that he was out and in his own place, he talked, yelled, whispered and sometimes screamed. Moscow found out he talked in his sleep after he picked up a part time job in the used bookstore.