182

How life goes up and down on such small events.  Not even "events"--just things.  Up, and all is great and years of happiness lie in the future of sunshine and warm breezes.  Down, and nothing is ever good and nothing every will be good in the endless, pointless, cheerless moments that make up a future unwanted.  A simple change of perspective based on a glance from a stranger.  A barrage of self-loathing after a minor failure in the kitchen.  A dropped dish.  An overcooked meal.  A heavy cloak of hopelessness when a to-do list remains undone, down to the last, easy chore.

It's a wonder life continues at all.

181

I know what I will look like when I am old.  My eyes have acquired time travel, and I can see it.  I can see the skin, thinning and wrinkling into a thousand tiny creases on my face, my arms, my legs, my belly.  I can see my bones protruding, knuckles swelling, muscles weakening.  My skin is discolored with age spots, nicks and scars, and is blue with veins and bruises.  My shoulders roll forward and I will move stiffly and sit, one arm stiff, one hip raised.  I see my friends and family deteriorating faster and faster.  Buildings age before my eyes even faster than the humans.  I see other things, too.  Things I don't understand and that don't seem to concern me.  I know these are the things I will shake my gray head at, careful not to turn too far.  The eyes of my mind see through future time, too, and I can see how it will turn back to the memories of my past.  I know which experiences I will recount over and over.  I know what I will regret and what I will cherish.  Time travel is heavy.  It weighs on a body.  My eyes get a far-away look that has nothing to do with vagueness of sight or cataracts.  It is time travel.