As a child I learned the limits of my personality. The limits I had for expression. The limits I had for patience. The limits others had for me. I learned quickly that I should be quiet and think before I spoke. It took me much longer to actually be quiet, but at least I knew I should. I expressed instantly and passionately and had my foot in my mouth more often than not. I learned socializing meant agonizing about it later, so I began to avoid socializing. I thought I had enormous patience, except with myself, but it turned out I have zero patience with people who are false or who try for attention or who aren't living to the tops of their intelligence. Others couldn't seem to tolerate me very well. I learned my personality was too big, too loose, too unpredictable, too weird.
Highlight reels of my social transgressions play at night. No matter how distant the experience becomes, it replays to torture me. I try not to add to the reels, but, even as an adult interacting with other adults, it still happens. Only now, I know instantly when a moment will become A Moment. Shame, guilt, embarrassment, regret, self-loathing churn in the gyre of my mind.
