I woke up in the middle of the night to growling bowels. This was when I learned that growling bowels in the middle of the night is a sign. A terrible sign. I got to the bathroom and couldn't decide which end to put over the toilet first. My head won and my underwear lost.
Wasn't I empty yet? How could there be more? The consistency and color changed, but it didn't stop the heaving and churning. I lost a concept of time, knowing only my traitorous body. When I finished heaving, I would kneel before the sink and rinse my burning mouth. Eventually, I couldn't get up high enough to reach the water taps. I no longer cared about the cleanliness of the bathroom floor, the toilet or myself. I wanted the agony of my quivering digestive system to end, and I didn't care how.
My head lay on the curved carpet that hugged the front of the toilet. I made bargains in my head. Please don't let me throw up again. Please calm down. Please don't open me up and flush me out again. If I hold really, really still, will you stop?
24 hour flu. One day of my life. I lay there, shaking my head slowly from side to side, willing my body to obey, but my thoughts were detached, too. If I had to feel like this all the time, like a cancer patient in treatment, could I make it? Would I want to? My frightened, honest voice said I would rather die than feel like this.
Every day I will write the very beginning of a story, a paragraph or a whole page, without worrying about where it might lead. "Nulla dies sine linea," I hope!
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Monday, August 10, 2015
Do you support euthanasia?
Labels:
desperation,
memory,
pageant,
pain,
perspective,
reflection,
suicide
Friday, December 5, 2014
309
Her hair was lifted by the wind and the strange updrafts that swirled around the building. She held the edges of the open window, ducking a little as it wasn't quite as tall as she was. One foot in. One foot out. She looked back into the room and smiled a transcendent smile, and took her last step.
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